


Pizza Parker, Booty Double

by vulcanhighblood



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Groping, M/M, Peter is a pizza delivery boy, Secret Identity, Wade is a booty connoisseur, antics, odd pizza toppings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 11:56:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10411611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulcanhighblood/pseuds/vulcanhighblood
Summary: The pizza delivery boy has hips that don't lie, and a booty belonging to Spider-Man. All Wade has to do now is find proof that Peter is the webbed wonder...





	

A knock sounded on the door. Wade Wilson was on his feet and pirouetted his way to the door in a matter of seconds, flinging it wide open. 

“Thank _Thor_ (or Loki)! I was about to _starve!_ ” 

The kid at the door looked on, vaguely unimpressed at Wade’s antics. “Are you the mister Pool comma Dead who ordered a large, uh… pineapple olive, large anchovy mushroom, and large special order of four cheese with… mozzarella sticks as the topping?” he recited the order in a bored drawl, but there was a hint of judgement in his tone. So Wade liked his pizzas with a bit of zest and creativity. Was it a crime? Part of Wade hoped it was, how thrilling would it be to live on the run from the cops for daring to order a pizza outside the conventional system? It would make a great movie! He should write it, he could make _millions-_

“I’m taking that as a yes,” Pizza kid said, clearing his throat loudly. “If you could maybe pay for these, I gotta get going.” He shifted the pizzas in his grip with a peeved look on his face. 

Okay, _rude_. It’s not like Wade had made him stand there for… Wade checked his watch. Oh. Nearly five minutes. Okay, maybe he’d been dissociating a bit longer than he realized. “My bad,” Wade said, reaching for his wallet, “what do I owe ya for, pretty boy?”

Pizza kid raised an eyebrow, glancing down at his polo shirt before looking up at Wade as if to ask ‘what part of this do you find “pretty”, exactly?’ He was still holding the pizzas. His arms hadn’t even started quivering from the strain yet. Wade was impressed. “Forty-one seventy-nine for the pizzas,” said the kid - his nametag read as ‘Peter’. Peter’s face was telling Wade he would like to demand another forty to cover the inconvenience of waiting for Wade to get his shit together. 

Wade peeled a few twenties out of his wallet, not bothering to count them. Hopefully there was at least sixty in the stack. It was probably closer to two hundred. He tossed them on top of the Pizza boxes. 

Peter Pizza waited for Wade to grab the boxes, then scooped up the wad of bills with a stunned expression on his face. “Uh…”

“Keep the change,” Wade said brightly. “Next time, try not to judge a man by his toppings. _Especially when they’re perfectly legitimate choices_ ,” he added in an undertone.

Peter Pizza stuffed the money in his payment pouch. “Thanks,” he said, “Enjoy your pizza.” 

“Oh, I definitely will,” Wade answered. 

Peter turned to walk back to the stairs (the elevator was broken), Wade standing in the doorway to watch him go, appreciating the view. Tousled, mousy brown hair in need of a trim, shoulders that were neither broad nor narrow, a trim waist, and… that _ass._ His pair of tight-fitting jeans made it easy to see how round and pert it was. Damn but you could bounce a quarter off that ass. He hadn’t seen an ass like that since Cap… or… Spidey…

Holy shit. Wade tossed the boxes aside, pizza totally forgotten in his excitement. “I’d know that ass anywhere!” he bellowed, charging down the hall after Peter Pizza. “Spidey! What are you doing delivering pizzas?”

The kid turned around slowly, a confused look creasing his features. “Spidey?” he repeated. “Is he a friend of yours?”

“Of course you are!” Wade beamed, although of course Spidey would have probably _insisted_ they were merely acquaintances.

“Is Spidey his nickname? God I pity the guy if it’s his given name,” said Pizza Parker, and Wade was momentarily derailed. 

“Wait, no, _Spidey_. Spider-Man. As in, ‘your friendly neighborhood’.” Wade pointed at Peter. “I’d know your pert little tushy _anywhere,_ you can’t fool me.” 

Peter scowled. “Do I _look_ like the kind of guy who has time to run around the city in a garish suit of spandex?” Wade was about to answer the kid when he continued. “No, I do not, because pizza delivery does not pay well enough for me to afford the spandex, much less the time I could be spending _earning money._ ” Peter turned and started walking away again, snorting “Me, Spider-Man? Hah.” 

Wade watched that ass sway down the hall, a dark look on his features. “Oh, we’ll see about that, baby boy. We will _see._ ” 

* * *

Wade wasn’t one to take no for an answer, and he was fairly convinced that this Peter kid was either Spidey’s butt-double or the real deal. In any case, he was determined to discern the true identity of the derrière in question. First, he made a few calls, learning that there was only one Peter working as a delivery boy in that pizza shop, he was a college sophomore and part-timer. Sounded like about the right age range for his Delivery boy and while he’d always pegged (heh) Spidey as being a bit older than that, it wasn’t outside the realm of possibility.

The next step was twofold. First, it involved tailing both Peter _and_ Spidey, and acquiring accurate analyses of their bootyliscious behinds. For science. Then he would compare the analysis and decide whether or not his suspicions were confirmed. He was fairly certain they would be confirmed. 

Wade decided to seek out Spidey first since he was fairly certain he knew most of Spidey’s favorite haunts. Sure enough, he found the friendly neighborhood web-slinger doing his thing, webbing up bad guys, calling cops, all while rocking a smokin hot bod… classic. 

Deadpool popped up behind Spidey while he was lecturing one of the hoodlums or bank robbers or vandals or whoever, grabbed that round little ass and gave it a niiice squeeze, trying to get a feel for it. 

Spider-Man squealed in a most undignified way, cutting his lecture short to whirl on Deadpool. “How many times?” he demanded, shaking a finger in Wade’s face. “How? Many? Times?” 

“How many times have I thought of you while jacking off?” Deadpool quipped. “I lost count around thirty.” 

Spider-Man seemed momentarily lost for words. Then, “Boundaries, Deadpool. I have them. Please respect them.” He rubbed his behind gingerly. “Jeez. What was that for, anyway?” 

“Pretty sure I saw that tushy in action earlier this evening,” Wade explained. “Now I’m trying to verify my suspicions.” 

“You saw my butt today?” Spidey-Man sounded both confused and disturbed. “I hope it was attached to the rest of me. Otherwise we have a problem.” 

“I think you delivered a pizza to my place,” Deadpool explained. “Or else some guy who happens to be your booty double.” 

“Oh gee, well, if I ever need a stand-in for my ass, I guess I’ll give this pizza guy a call.” Spidey sighed. “Was that all, Wade?” 

Deadpool considered the question seriously. “Could I get oooone more feel? For science,” he explained, making grabby hands. 

“No. I’m not going to encourage your weird butt-doppelgänger theory.” Spidey-Man knelt down to pick up one of the thugs’ phones. “I’m calling the police now,” he said. “You might wanna make yourself scarce.” 

That was fine, Wade decided. Tomorrow, he would implement step two… 

* * *

The next day found Wade scoping out the campus of Midtown University. It was a decently sized school, which made spotting the Spidey-butt more challenging than he’d prefer. Still, it was something to do and Wade was 100% certain that Spidey had been the one to deliver pizza to his door. He just needed one more ass-grab to prove it. 

There! Wade leapt from the top of the building, rolling as he hit the ground bs springing to his feet. He jogged across the wide green campus lawn towards a nerdy-looking kid hoisting a heavy backpack over one shoulder. He came up behind the kid and gave his perfect ass a squeeze. 

The kid yelped. So did Wade. 

“It is you!” Wade shouted. 

“OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL?” the kid bellowed, drawing every eye in the vicinity for a split second before they returned to whatever had them occupied before. “You just _groped_ me!” 

Wade shook his head. “I was testing a hypothesis!” 

“Was it about the likelihood of me punching you?” the kid snapped. 

Wade just stared at Peter dispassionately. 

Then the kid _really looked_ at Wade, his eyes tracing the merc’s broad shoulders and taut muscles, noting that the man was a good head and shoulders taller than him as well. “…not that it would do any damage…” he awkwardly tacked the phrase onto the end of his previous statement. 

Wade grinned. “Admit it, Spidey, I found you.” 

Peter sighed. “Even if I _was_ a costumed creep, what makes you think I’d tell _you?_ ” 

Wade considered this. “So you’re saying I need another way to prove it.” 

The kid looked exasperated. “No, I meant that-” Wade was already gone. Peter sighed. “That man is going to be the death of me.” 

* * *

In the weeks that followed, Wade tried a number of things to try and get Peter to reveal his secret identity. He tried throwing things at him in order to prove that Peter had superhuman reflexes. (Which explained why Peter was sporting a fading black eye- he was apparently bad at dodging, or good at holding back his spider-instincts.) He tried staging a robbery at the convenience store across the street from Peter’s student housing. No Peter or Spidey showed up, but Wade walked away from the ordeal with a garbage sack full of candy bars and a giant slushee, so he counted it as a win anyway.

He tried casually (note: it was not actually casual) dragging Peter to the roof of the tallest building on campus and throwing him over the edge. It was a lucky thing there was a trampoline below to break his fall. Wade had been expecting web-slinging, but watching Pizza boy’s arms and legs flailing as he bounced was almost as satisfying. 

Finally, after nearly a month of harassment, Peter finally broke down and confronted Deadpool. “Why are you doing this to me?” he demanded, rubbing his cheek where he’d been hit by a ball Wade had lobbed at him while shouting ‘think fast, Spidey!’ 

Wade considered Peter’s question. “I wanna know I’m right,” he said. 

Peter sighed. “What would you even do if I _did_ admit it?” 

Wade considered this. He had never really thought of anything beyond the stage of “prove pizza parker is ‘pidey”. “I don’t know,” Wade answered. “Gloat, I guess.” 

“You’ve been harassing me for _a month_ , on the off chance that you might be able to _gloat_ about it?” Peter sounded exasperated. “You’re an asshole!” 

Wade shrugged. “Guilty,” he admitted easily. 

Peter looked mad enough to spit. “Oh my god, I think I literally hate you,” he said finally. Then. “I’m going to let you in on a little secret, Wade.” 

Wade leaned forward. “Yeah?” 

“At this point, even if I _were_ Spider-Man, I would never admit it, just because I know it would _piss you off._ ” With that, Peter spun on his heel and walked away. 

Wade watched him go for a moment, then sputtered. “Wait a minute,” he shouted, “how do you know my name?!” 

Peter didn’t even look back, flipping him the bird with both hands as he kept walking. 

Wade slowly touched a hand to his own cheek, feeling as though he’d been slapped despite the lack of physical contact. “Fuck,” he whispered reverently, “I think I’m in love.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of several oneshots based on prompts I was sent on tumblr. This prompt was "Wade orders pizza and a cute young thing delivers. That butt looks familiar tho..." from the user wtfdeth. :) Thanks for a great prompt!
> 
> I'm still open for prompts, you can find me on tumblr and submit one of your own, for any fandom! :) If I know the fandom, I'll write something. Not sure how long I'll be accepting requests, it depends on how many I get...  
> Thanks for reading!


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